I'm not in a good place. And I don't know where to go with the things going on. So I'm coming here, to the most secretly public place I can. Perhaps no one will see and I can tell my concerns to the dark. Or perhaps someone will stumble across this and share in my frustrations.
I'm not in a good state of mental health. I'm overwhelmed by the things I have going on. I don't have a single free minute. While I enjoy all the organizations and people I'm involved with, I simply have too much to handle, and that is causing me to give just passable effort into everything.
I'm frustrated then with college. I had so many student organizations I wanted to get involved with, but because of the things already going on in my life I couldn't join any of them. My life isn't letting me meet as many new people as I'd like. I want college to be this amazing experience that I thought it would be. And right now it's not.
Furthermore, I'm tired of being single. Not that I'm unhappy being single, but the majority of the people I spend time around are either in a relationship, married, or engaged. I just want that companion that I can talk to, spend time with, and grow close to. I went campaniling, a tradition at our school during homecoming week where as the clock tower strikes midnight one kisses the person he or she is next to or came with. I thought perhaps getting a kiss for the first time in three years would help "tide me over" for a while, but in all honesty it just made me ache more for that companionship.
I'm finding myself, as my mental health and sanity is declining, slipping back into dwelling on my weight and thoughts of unhealthy ways of losing weight. I hate how I look and I hate that I hate how I look. I hate how much value I place on my appearance. I hate that I can't value myself or find value in myself.
I'm just stretched too thin. I want to go scream or run until I collapse or fight or lay down and cry and sob or just give up. I don't know what to do or how to cope. I need to just get away.
There's not a prayer I've prayed you haven't heard, not a tear I've shed that you didn't feel.
Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you.
Even if I hide on the highest mountain, you are with me.
Let me see redemption win.
You are good.
