Future

I'm entering my senior year of highschool and getting bombarded with a whole assortment of emotions. Part of me is scared to have everything I've ever known get shaken up a year from now as I enter college. Part of me is excited for independence. The maternal part of me wants to jump ahead ten years and start a family. This year is going to be so bittersweet, and I have to find a balance of being excited for the future but not wishing time away. Above all, I need to find peace in God's plan!

Thoughts

I am shellshocked and heartbroken by the act of terror in France. Anymore these days I'm finding it hard to see good in the world from the petty disaster of the presidential election in the US to horrific events like this massacre, everything seems to be falling apart. 83 people will not get to live their lives another day. They all had families and loved ones. For all I know, that could be me. Life is such a strange thing and there's no knowing when it might come to an end. The people watching the fireworks had no clue that by going to an enjoyable event they would be spending their last minutes.

More than ever I know I need to place my hope in Jesus. I'm scared about the future of our world. I'm struggling with doubts. But with every terrible thing that happens I just get more affirmed that above it all I need need need to place hope in the fact that our Heavenly Father has this all in control. No matter how much work the Devil is doing, God will win in the end. It's up to us, his followers, to pray and spread love and serve Him to te best of our ability now.

God, help calm the hearts and souls of the hurt families in France. Help me to overcome my doubts and to serve out your plan for my life. Help me, and the rest of the world, to see that you're in control of it all. Amen.

Black lives MATTER

I'm am sickened by the recent shootings the police committed on two innocent black men. You say racism is dead? Try again, two men just died for the color of their skin.

If it hasn't been apparent until now, it should be crystal clear after the past two days that 1) gun control needs to be amped up, 2) police need better training on not racially profiling and not jumping to use firearms, and 3) the whole nation needs to take a look at racism and how far we have to go and why we're still stuck in a rut. It baffles me that someone could so quickly judge someone based on the pigmentation of another's skin.

A protest will be taking place in our community soon, and I urge anyone and everyone to join me, my family, and our wonderful friends of all colors in attending local protests against violence on the black people of our nation. I hope to see you all standing with me to make a statement that its time for a more equal and fair country. 

Renewed

Tonight my soul is refreshed.

Sunday night I had the opportunity to go to a Switchfoot/Lecrae concert with two of my role models from my church. On the way down we chatted and talked about casual stuff, and upon arriving at the outdoor amphitheater where the concert was held we discovered that the weather was perfect. Not a cloud in sight, not too warm or cold, and a beautiful gentle breeze. Getting to worship outside next to two young adults and friends I highly respect was amazing, especially when God gave us such good weather. Then on the way back, we had a deep, good conversation about faith and high school. In the end, those six hours really rejuvenated me, and my heart was happy. 

Then tonight, after working a shift at church during vacation bible school and getting to see so many kids hyped up about Jesus, my friend and I went and ate ice cream on a dock on the river, once again the weather was beautiful. The combination also gave me peace.

These past few occurances have been so good for me, especially now that I'm so busy with two jobs. God is good at giving me just the right breaks when I need them! Praise Him from whom all blessing flow, Amen!

My summer endeavor

This summer I've had to take on the grueling task of completing a summer school class due to my inability to fit it into my schedule and it being a graduation requirement. The class: Government.  Right off the bat, I've decided I detest it. My friends have all questioned me, "Is it really that bad?". Yes, it is, and here's why.

Everything about the course material screams patriotism, and all I can hear ringing in my head is, "You're a grand old flag, you're a high flying flag," and other equally peppy patriotic songs.  The course is so peachy about America and democracy and you're a citizen, wow!, here's why that's soooo important and here are your duties! It reminds me of a plastic, overly enthusiastic sales person.

Because you know what, the course doesn't give a damn about the fact that our government has gotten so corrupt and money controlled, and that countless people are being abused by the system. We're supposed to use our civilian-granted rights to help keep the government in check, you say? Well maybe you need to do a reality check because that's not working out so well right now.  Equal rights for citizens, you say? Maybe you should look into that a little deeper, beneath the glowing red white and blue glamour covering the true darkness in the country.

In all honesty, the course eerily reminds me of something Big Brother-ish, a little 1984-esque, where its brainwashing into how perfect things are and how proud we should be to be citizens of the  grand ol' United States.

Now don't get me wrong, the United States stands for some great things, like equality and freedom, it's just that quite honestly that's not how things are in the government right now.  I'm happy to be a citizen of the US on the account of what it's supposed to stand for, but am I proud of how we appear to the rest of the world? No, I'm quite ashamed. I feel similar to how a mom does when her toddler is throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of a crowded grocery store, or a mom who has to talk to the other parents about how her kid got caught being a bully again.  Embarrassment.

So now, I have a month and a half left of glamorized government to suffer through, pray that I survive a course that pretends the topic at hand isn't ridiculously corrupt and manipulated by money. Oh boy.

Where does value lie?

Value is an incredibly frustrating topic.  It means different things to everyone, be it sentimental value or monetary value.  But where should emphasis be placed when it comes to what's valuable in this world?

Most of the first world would argue that monetary value is the most important.  After all, without money what can be done? Nothing.  Although it is true that things can be made easier by having money, living in such a materialistic world, things of monetary value are really just used to show status and power.

Coming from the viewpoint of someone who believes in heaven and firmly believes in the pointlessness of storing up treasures on earth, I find that emphasis should be placed on the value of deeds, character, and memories.  When we all inevitably die, the amount of money we made on this earth isn't going to mean a single thing.  The position of our job, the savings, the fancy cars and name brand items will all just return to the earth.  What will matter however, is how God looks at what we did with our resources, how we served other people, and how we actively pursue His mission on the earth.

In many places in the bible God mentions this. A well known example is the parable in Matthew 25:

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

In the end, everything kind of boils down to how willing we are to part with things of material value in order to serve others, and obviously God places a lot of importance on this since it comes down to the matter of eternity.

So, where do you place your value? Are you willing to give up your earthly comforts? In the end, only God will judge if you clothed, fed, and sheltered Him and His people.

Arms open worship

I used to be afraid to put my hands up in worship.  There's such a stigma surrounding outwardly visible worship, about those people being a little weird and a little radical.  But, why? Why should people who worship with their hands and arms raised be judged? And why are people afraid to worship in such a way? When God is the most important things in our lives we shouldn't be afraid to worship Him as we see best.  Yes, I used to be afraid to put my hands up in worship. At least, at church on Sunday and at BIGhouse. I had participated in a teen service camp and Caravan 2014, two places where I gave into my desire to worship with open arms, but that was because everyone did it.  Then, in Spring of last year as I sat through church with my work partner for the morning, during worship he put his hand up and I was envious of his confidence to do so.  Shortly afterward I went on Caravan 2015 and after feeling the freedom and joy of putting my arms up to worship openly, I decided I wouldn't let my inhibitions or people's judgement prevent me from worshiping how I wanted to. So now, at church and at BIGhouse, I open my hands and surrender my worship to God. I may be one of the few, others may think I'm a little strange, but those are sacrifices I'm willing to make to feel just that much more close to God.  Here's to worshiping with lifted arms and lifted voices.

Tonight I wept. I wept for an hour about humanity. About where humanity has been. Where humanity is going. Humanity's brokenness. Self obsession. Greed. Pain. Oppression. What is this preoccupation with getting to the top and making sure all others remain stopped in the corners where we have placed them. Where we have placed them to fend for themselves in a world that dwells on status and power.

Tonight I wept. I wept for an hour about the church. About the church and it's good intentions. The church and it's flaws. The fans-- not followers. The Sunday morning Christians. The lack of service. The indifference. Why is this the case when the only thing the Bible requests is to brace against the oppression and make an impression of love in the world. To go out to those unlike ourselves and see no difference because we are all neighbors at the same table in God's house.

Tonight I wept. I wept for an hour and I went to sleep defeated. I went to sleep defeated because I can cry at the top of my lungs for humanity to see the brokenness but humanity will remain self obsessed. Greedy. Pained. Oppressive. 

Tonight I wept.

________________________________

Tonight, as a mixture of mascara and salty tears stained the shoulder of my mom's tshirt, I got my breath taken away as I was hit full force with just how dark and blinded the world is. I was hit with an overwhelming wave of hopelessness because I fear that no one will ever see how much brokenness our world has. And not just knowing it exists. No, having it break hearts and turn heads and cause action. But that's not going to happen (at least not soon) and that hit me hard. It was a sense of hopelessness like none I've ever felt before, so incredibly strong. Mixed with frustration and anger and pity and it was all pent up and just took over. It took over and broke my heart and my spirit as my mom held me as I wept. But two people standing in a room lamenting the brokenness of the world cannot change the world. Thus, tonight I wept and I sign off with a heavy heart.

Thy will be done

Yesterday I had an unexpected encounter with someone from my past.  What completely caught me off guard was that I had just been thinking of the person earlier that morning, during church.  It got my mind racing though, bringing back memories from the past and spurring questions about the future.  In all honesty I got a bit hung up, not really knowing what to do.  Then, on the way home a song came on the radio where the chorus, over and over, sang, "thy will be done, thy will be done".  Hearing that gave me a sense of peace.  Although I was uncertain about the future and what I need to be doing now in the present, I just needed to remember that God has a will and a plan.  If it's God's will, the future may hold the outcome I desire, although the chances are small.  However, God very well might have a different plan with different people and places in mind, and if that's the case I will accept my future head on.  Thy will be done, God, and if it's in your interest at all, you know what I would like. Thy will be done.

Thoughts

Photography is a dying art. Anymore these days with high quality phone cameras, anyone can point and click to take a picture. To know how to manipulate ISO, and aperture, and white balance anymore... It's not recognized for the skill it takes. Those who want to pursue and make a name in photography have a much harder time due to the accessibility of cameras. It's sad, to me, but it's a new generation and there's nothing I can do about it. Here's to the grand era of photographic art. May those with passion continue to stand out in their skill. 

Making America great... Again?

Make America Great Again... The positive (and incorrect) message from a very vile person. Looking at this phrase out of the context of the man who said it, I just don't understand how we can be making America great again when it was never great to begin with. Now, don't get me wrong, America has had great moments and accomplishments, but it has never been great for everyone. To this day, women, people of color and varying ethnicities, those who practice religions other than Christianity, different sexualities, and immigrants (excepting some of the wealthy) have all faced continuous discrimination that upholds even in today's modern, progressive world. An outstanding amount of these people have not found America great at all, and America has not given them a reason to find it great. So I agree, let's make America great, not again but for the first time. And let's do it by loving and accepting everyone, with equal opportunity for all, no matter what the insignificant differences are.

(And not by electing a man trying to build a wall to keep people out and all the minorities oppressed)

It's not about me

Some time ago after I finished working, I was hanging out with one of the Kid's Ministry staff members at our church, Topher.  He was working on prepping the materials for the next month's unit, which included printing a set of round labels.  As we went to pick up the freshly printed labels, we noticed that they were a bit off center.  Topher was a bit discouraged and moved to recycle them and try again.  I didn't think they were too bad, and I pointed that out.  That's when he said, "If I were just doing it for me it would be fine, but I'm not.  It's for the church so I want it to be perfect".  That has resonated with me so much now the past few months, especially at work.  When I'm getting discouraged or losing motivation, I remind myself that it's not about how I'm feeling but instead the work is for God, and I should be honoring Him by putting my all in.  That reflects across other areas of life too, from instrument practice to tidying up around home.  Even if not for God, all of those tasks honor others in my life too.  So, as I continue on my life, I just need to remember that it's not about me, so I need to do everything to the best of my ability for God and for others.

Enrique's Journey

Recently I read the book Enrique's Journey. The true story follows Enrique, a seventeen-year-old boy from Honduras in his fervent attempt to cross the United States border to find his mom who had crossed eleven years earlier to find work in order to put food in her children's mouths. They say you can never understand someone's story until you walk a mile in their shoes, and that's exactly what this reporter did. She hopped trains and faced situations of robbery and imprisonment (saved only by documents from the government to aid her story) in order to fully understand what Migrants go through.

Anyone who knows me well knows how my heart breaks for injustice in this world, and while reading this book my heart was weeping from the hurt and the brokenness that is dealt with in families across Latin America. The desperate situations that drive children aged 10 to 17 to face a perilous journey alone, or adults to leave their families for safety or money... All I wanted was to reach out to all of them and reassure them that it would be okay. That's the problem though.

See, it's not all going to be okay, not on earth at least. We live in such a hate filled world where we're too scared to reach out to those different from us, too desperate to reach the top of the social ladder, to do anything to help fix the brokenness. Why must we be so greedy? Our lives in America... It's not the norm. Most of the world is in worse condition than us by far. I honestly wish I had the courage to drop everything and go help the hurt and the lost in this world. The question is, am I willing to give up my comfort? In the end, I don't know. Although materialism has always disgusted me, spending money on unnecessary stuff when there are so many things in this world that need the funds more, I do enjoy having a warm bed in a safe house with the assurance that tomorrow I'll wake up with a secure life, and I don't know if I could give that up.

In the end though, I want to do something. I want to help all the migrants looking for a secure life and a happy family, all those who starve in third world nations while we sit here throwing away last night's leftovers. I don't want my legacy to be that I thought, oh, it would be nice if I helped things change, I want it to be, Sara loved others and she wasn't afraid to give things up to help them.

So Enrique, I'm hoping your life is happy, and know that you and so many others have my prayers and support. Maybe one day the world will be a better place, where we all love and look out for each other. 

I'm tired, I'm worn

I'm tired, I'm worn. My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing.

Few things in this world have connected with me as much as this song. The truth of the matter is that I am tired and I am worn. Every single lyric from working to breathe and life not letting up connects to me. Right now, it's taking some pretty serious effort for me to keep on breathing. I'm finding myself in a scary place that I haven't been in since 8th grade where my thoughts and questions and concerns and worries and doubts are building up and taking over my thoughts. So it was a Godsend when on my way home tonight, as my thoughts were starting to weigh down on my shoulders, this song came on the radio. Hearing it reminded me that I can be reborn, the struggle ends, and I am not alone. Not alone in my struggles and doubts, and also not getting through it alone. This song has never failed to give me hope and peace since I discovered it. 

So yes, I'm tired and I'm worn, and breathing is taking a lot of work, but redemption will win and the struggle will end. I just have to remember that you, God, will give me rest.

My time at the Mountain

Here I am sitting in my room after getting home from five days at God's Mountain, a summer camp in Rushville, Missouri.  I honestly don't even know where to start.  It was amazing.

During our first full day there, Sunday, we didn't begin any work projects, but I think that was more than fine because we were all ready for a break from school and work, so getting to run around and hang out was perfect.

Monday is when the fun really started.  We got assigned to different work groups, and I was placed in a group that worked under the instruction of Conrad, a man who frequently volunteers at the camp with his carpentry skills to aid in the construction of buildings and landscaping.  Two other people on the trip and I spent the majority of our work time together for the first three days (Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday), putting trim on the corners on the cabins (we mastered nail guns and measuring tapes) and building retaining walls.  The fourth day of work, Thursday, we helped stain a lot of wood features on the playground and some staircases. Other projects that went on included repainting the playground equipment, siding a cabin, painting some rooms, cleaning in general, and revamping the campfire area.

I mentioned Conrad, a volunteer at the camp.  He wasn't the only one of his family there.  His wife Nancy also hung around, encouraging everyone and walking around talking to us.  As a 60-some-year-old woman, she had some amazing insights to share with us.  At least once a day she would stop and talk with my two work partners and I.  Although I want to record word for word what she said, I can't because of memory and length. She talked a lot about love and serving the Lord though.  Most importantly she stressed to not go looking for love.  To wait.  God has a plan for each of us, and when we are following His path He will place a person going the same direction as us and together the pair can work to serve the Lord.  She used her own story as an example, how shortly after ending a relationship she met Conrad and they were both called into camp ministry.  She also repeated over and over how important it is to make sure your significant other places God high above anything else so that the foundation in the Lord is strong and will help stabilize everything else.  She explained how when the one is there, you'll know because God will have you both going the same way.  And finally in her lesson on love, she said to ask the question: "Will (s)he help me accomplish the plan God has set for me or just pull me away from it?".  She gave the example of a couple who had broken up because, although they were both Christians, one was being called to overseas ministry while the other wasn't, and had they stayed together their callings would have been hindered.  And as far as serving the Lord, she had such joy in doing what she was called to do and doing it joyfully.  She loves how God will use gifts and talents in a way to bring Him glory.  One of the things I know I'll miss most about the week is Nancy's talks.

Every day after lunch we got an hour of quiet/devo time.  I always spent it sitting in my eno (a compact portable hammock) that, funnily enough, about seven other people also brought.  Although I didn't necessarily have any ground breaking revelations during quiet time, it was good to just sit and listen for God's voice and take in the peaceful atmosphere.  I also was asked to give one of the post breakfast devos so I spent one of my quiet times prepping for that.  The devo I got to prepare was over serving which was great since that's something I am passionate about.

Here's the thing about serving this week.  It was dirty.  There's no doubt about that.  We were all exhausted.  But, despite that, no one will argue how unbelievably fun it all was.  Luke 19:10 says the Jesus came to seek and save the lost.  John 13:14-15 reads, "Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you".  When we serve, not only are we doing it for a higher purpose but we're doing as Jesus did, and working to benefit the world in a way that glorifies Him.  That's our purpose, too. Do as I have done for you.  So when we're able to serve, no matter how hard the task is, and serve with a bunch of other people who also want to lift up God's name, it becomes fun.  I really began to understand this late Thursday afternoon when my crew had been working hard all day and really did not want to stain one last staircase.  After motivating each other and getting started, I realized how any job can be fun in the right mindset, and we were having fun.  We were all working together to stain, and singing songs (though out of tune) to help pass the time.  Serving is about looking past ourselves to honor God's higher purpose for our lives.

Something about this week is that I really felt at peace.  Although that seems contradictory because I was working hard, I enjoyed the open air away from society, the acoustic worship every night, being real with my small group, and primarily staying away from technology.  My life felt so uncluttered.  My head was clear, even though I had (and still have) a lot to think about, and I was simply just not distracted by all the demands of life.

Now, hard work does not come without its fair share of injuries as well as times of fun.  To begin, the retaining walls we built required moving large, what I can only assume to be, 5-50 pound rocks.  Twice a rock got set down on my foot which massively ached, and then I was careless and got my hand caught under one which bruised my knuckle.  I also received numerous scratches and cuts from rocks and wood.  While working on siding, I also clotheslined myself in the face with a rope strung up, and have a decently sized cut on the bridge of my nose now.  Last but not least, on Thursday night I opened a door on my bare foot and caught the skin around my toenail, which has been bleeding and aching pretty steadily since then.  But, none of these hindered my motivation or joy, but instead added to both because I felt tough and the situations were quite amusing.  As for fun, on the last night we had a talent show, and many of the acts were so funny that I laughed until I cried.  God is so good.

For a while now I have been considering going into counseling.  I love to listen, my heart aches for others in pain or hurting, and I love spending time around people.  One of my favorite things is knowing I've brightened someone's day. As we were about to leave the camp, I was talking to two of the young twenty-some-year-old volunteer/employees of the camp, Shea and Sarah.  I was saying how I couldn't wait to come back next year, and then Shea commented how I could even come back the next year.  I jokingly replied, "Yeah, to keep building walls!" to which he responded "No, as a counselor, to use your bright attitude to share Jesus with the students".  Although I didn't think much of it at the time, during the drive home I actually started to consider it seriously.  I don't know if I would return to God's Mountain in particular, maybe I would, who knows, but working as a camp counselor might be something I would actually enjoy.  I'm just going to follow Nancy's advice and keep listening to what God has to say, and I'll see what happens in the next few years.

In the upcoming years, I have two goals to uphold; one serious and one less so.  I want to keep serving the Lord with a joyful spirit as we are instructed to do in His Word.  And I also want to learn and practice card manipulation so I can show Shea up next year.

Oh, what a great trip is was, what wonderful relationships I built, and what joy I gained from it.

God is so good
Spring break 2016: HE>me

Mental health awareness

Tonight in my small group, a member mentioned how her parents keep asking if she's depressed.  Although she isn't, it got me thinking again... About awareness of mental health, sensitivity to it, and also my own experience with it.

For starters, there is not nearly the amount of awareness there should be over mental health.  As "social" media is becoming more and more popular, people are becoming lonelier and lonelier, and therefore depression is becoming an increasing problem.  From my experience, it just seems like people don't quite understand what constitutes depression, anxiety, stress... Or really any other form of mental illness. The awareness just isn't there, and people don't get the help they need.

Which leads to sensitivity.  Because of the lack of understanding over what mental illness really is, there far too little sensitivity regarding mental health.  The terms depression and OCD are the two that I see abused the most.  Depression particularly strikes a chord with me, as I'll explain in the next paragraph, but also with OCD... I know a friend who has OCD, and it's not just liking organization or being bothered by little details. OCD can take a huge toll on daily life.  OCD stands for obsessive compulsive and that's exactly what it is.  And depression. I know so many people who have struggled with depression, and to see people saying things like, "oh, I'm so depressed that the trip got cancelled" and other phrases along those lines bothers me a lot because not only have I seen what true depression does to others, but I've experienced it myself. I have one friend in particular who suffers from an assortment of mental health issues including but not limited to depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and gender dysphoria.  Having received texts and emails in the middle of the night as my friend goes through panic attacks... I've learned that depression is not a term to use lightly.  The terms need to stop being tossed around casually.

As for myself... Three long winters in a row, from November to March, I suffered from SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I don't want to detail too much what happened, because it was a dark time for me, but initially I didn't realize what it was and thought I was just down in the dumps. Having never thought I would ever get depression, I just assumed the thoughts were caused by stress or a bad mood.  Until the next winter when it returned.  And then the next.   By this time I had finally figured out that I had SAD, and when summer came and I could discuss it without getting defensive or, as my influenced mind told me, trying to stay depressed so people would notice me, I alerted my mom.  Thankfully, and I believe this is truly only from my new development of a healthier friend group and growing relationship with Christ, my SAD did not return this winter and I didn't have to have my mom step in to help me.

My experience has helped me to understand that mental health is not taught about as much as it should be.  I can't imagine how many other people, like myself, don't know what they're struggling with.  My experience, plus my friendship with others who struggle, has also struck my interest in becoming a counselor/therapist.  I don't want anyone going through depression if I can help it, so maybe that's just what I'll do.

So, here's to the hope that mental health awareness will grow and the problem itself will shrivel away!

A word on walking: Why am I using it as my theme?

Walking.  Walking, though on the surface may appear as only a verb, holds many connotations and meanings far beyond that.

Something that gave the word a lot of power, for me, was a sermon at church a while ago.  In the sermon, the teacher spoke about how Enoch walked with God. Not in the literal sense of the word, but in the sense that he spent time with God and learned to just BE.  To exist in a companionship with God not outlined by works or acts but by time spent and the sharing of a journey together.  For me, this sermon redefined walking as not just a means of getting from one place to another, but the actual contents of the journey as well.

So, let's take a walk.  Let's share this road of life, and exist together during our time on this earth.  Let's look at life's questions and answers, joys and sorrows, laughs and tears, together. Let's take time to just be.